Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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