If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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