Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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