Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Randomize
