So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
