I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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