A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
