Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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