you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
