remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
