My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
