Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
