how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
