so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
