I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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