At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
