So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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