Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
