She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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