I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Randomize
