i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
