I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
