Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
