The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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