does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
