I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
