So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
