my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I think weed is turning my hair brown
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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