Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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