dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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