I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
