I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
