I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
