the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
