ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
