I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
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