2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
It was confusing and full of hummus
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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