When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
