My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
