I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
