yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
