At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
