Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Randomize
