I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
