Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
