How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
