So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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