over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
