apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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