All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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