my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
