i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
a search helicopter?!
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
