just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
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